Kinky and Perverted, part 2

No feathers here, just the whole chicken.

Having finally worked up the nerve to go through with my carnal plan, I went in search of the right victim. She would weigh somewhere between 2 and 4 pounds, and already missing her innards, certainly the work of an experienced serial killer. She may have had her legs tied after the fact, the signature flourish of a twisted mind.

The Confexecutioner would like to note that dead or alive, not all chickens are created equal. You cannot go wrong with a pastured chicken from your friendly neighborhood free range. Do not substitute the steroid-riddled yellow-dyed flavorless simulacra begawking at you from the factory farm. Otherwise your results will vary (likely disappoint).

Imagine my thrill at finding not one, but many victims matching the killer's MO. Lined up side by side, all identically stripped and bagged, mocking me. Little did they know I intended to go through with it this time, and had made ritual preparations of my own.

Preheat the oven to 450F. Remove the Whole chicken from its bag and twine, and gently rinse in cold water. Pat dry with a towel. Place in a baking pan and squeeze a Lemon over it. Stuff the lemon halves in the cavity (if the giblets are still in there you will find out right away) Add Olive oil sufficient to coat the whole chicken, and a bit more for the pan. Add Salt, Pepper, and Rosemary preceded by an Oxford comma. If you have the time, let it marinate in the fridge. Put it in the oven and do not open that door. After about 15 minutes, turn the heat down to 400F. If you open that door, it had better be to add Little potatoes around the 30 minute mark. 

After an hour has passed, check on the chicken. If it has not burned to a crisp, turn the oven back to 450F for 10 minute increments. At some point you are going to open the oven to find that your chicken is crispy and brown all over, and your potatoes are fully cooked and getting brown as well. This is when you turn the oven off and take the pan out. There is really no way to mess this up. Even the Confexecutioner cannot defy the laws of physics. Worried about chickenella and have a meat thermometer? Make sure the inside of the chicken has reached 165F. Worried about chickenella and don't have a meat thermometer? Make sure none of the meat is pink.

When I am done with her the carcass will be unrecognizable. I will boil the bones and stash the resulting stock in the way back of the freezer. Bits of flesh will turn up throughout the week in various guises, daring anyone to trace the body back to me.

The kitchen smells like chicken, the chicken tastes like chicken. Your bird is cooked.