The Confexecutioner

Kinky and Perverted, part 2

2009-05-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

No feathers here, just the whole chicken.

Having finally worked up the nerve to go through with my carnal plan, I went in search of the right victim. She would weigh somewhere between 2 and 4 pounds, and already missing her innards, certainly the work of an experienced serial killer. She may have had her legs tied after the fact, the signature flourish of a twisted mind.

The Confexecutioner would like to note that dead or alive, not all chickens are created equal. You cannot go wrong with a pastured chicken from your friendly neighborhood free range. Do not substitute the steroid-riddled yellow-dyed flavorless simulacra begawking at you from the factory farm. Otherwise your results will vary (likely disappoint).

Imagine my thrill at finding not one, but many victims matching the killer's MO. Lined up side by side, all identically stripped and bagged, mocking me. Little did they know I intended to go through with it this time, and had made ritual preparations of my own.

Preheat the oven to 450F. Remove the Whole chicken from its bag and twine, and gently rinse in cold water. Pat dry with a towel. Place in a baking pan and squeeze a Lemon over it. Stuff the lemon halves in the cavity (if the giblets are still in there you will find out right away) Add Olive oil sufficient to coat the whole chicken, and a bit more for the pan. Add Salt, Pepper, and Rosemary preceded by an Oxford comma. If you have the time, let it marinate in the fridge. Put it in the oven and do not open that door. After about 15 minutes, turn the heat down to 400F. If you open that door, it had better be to add Little potatoes around the 30 minute mark.

After an hour has passed, check on the chicken. If it has not burned to a crisp, turn the oven back to 450F for 10 minute increments. At some point you are going to open the oven to find that your chicken is crispy and brown all over, and your potatoes are fully cooked and getting brown as well. This is when you turn the oven off and take the pan out. There is really no way to mess this up. Even the Confexecutioner cannot defy the laws of physics. Worried about chickenella and have a meat thermometer? Make sure the inside of the chicken has reached 165F. Worried about chickenella and don't have a meat thermometer? Make sure none of the meat is pink.

When I am done with her the carcass will be unrecognizable. I will boil the bones and stash the resulting stock in the way back of the freezer. Bits of flesh will turn up throughout the week in various guises, daring anyone to trace the body back to me.

The kitchen smells like chicken, the chicken tastes like chicken. Your bird is cooked.

Tender Bar

2009-04-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

The Confexecutioner is a lightweight lush, and to prove it, presents you with a few luscious libations to pair with past posts.

Basque Sangria: 1 part Mexican Coke (the soft drink), 1 part Red wine. The amount in each part is up to you. I recommend ice molded into clever shapes. Pair with anything you might drink red wine or Coke with, which is to say, everything.

Bo-J Spritzer: While at Trader Joe's, remember to pick up the Blood Orange soda and some $5.49 Pinot Grigio. This is almost as good as hand squeezing a bag of Blood oranges, adding sparkling water and a more expensive Pinot Grigio. Either way, go with the aforementioned ice cubes.

Stout Affogato: It isn't an insult, though it does seem to call for a colorful hand gesture. Take a large scoop of Vanilla ice cream and top with 1/2 cup of Imperial Stout. Beer nuts are optional.

The Confexecutioner is neither a trained bartender nor a seasoned consumer of spirits. However, the above beverages have been concocted and taste-tested numerous times for quality assurance.

Hot Cakes

2009-04-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

"Mommy, I want pancakes for breakfast, but I don't want them to burn, and I don't want the fire alarm to go off" - Confexecutioner Jr., age 3

Take 1 cup of Flour, and mix in 1 and 1/2 tsps Baking Powder and 1/2 tsp Salt. Add 1/2 cup Sugar, at least some of which should be Brown. Sprinkle about 1 tsp Ground Cinnamon into the dry mix and combine well. Take 1/2 cup Whole Milk, and whisk in gradually until the batter is wet and thick, with no unsightly lumps, like Michael Phelps. Fold in 1/2 cup of Sour Cream. Please do not use low or non fat, and please please do not use yogurt. Go to the corner store and get real sour cream, and don't forget to thank me later. Stir in 1/4 cup Honey. Heat up the pan, slather it with a buttload of real Butter. Do not use margarine or PAM: Do not make me come over there and churn you. Before the butter has a chance to scorch, ladle about 1/4 cup of batter per pancake into the pan. Adjust the heat if you need to. When bubbles appear on the surface of each pancake, it's time to flip them gently with a really good spatula. Layer pancakes onto a warm plate, and replenish butter in the pan between batches.

These do not require any condiments, but I am not going to tell you how to eat your pancakes. Enjoy, and hopefully the Fire Department will only come to mind because of their annual Pancake Breakfast.

Sticky Fingers

2009-03-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

I can't decide whether to call them "Little Debbie Harrys" or "The Von Blondies". You could just eat a stick of butter and dip it in brown sugar between bites, but this is messier and takes more time. Don't thank me just yet.

Preheat the oven to 350F. Butter a small baking pan (9x9 or less). Melt 1/2 stick Butter (that's 1/4 of a cup, but if you use 1/2 cup by mistake it will only make things better) in a small saucepan over low heat. Add 1/3 cup granulated Sugar and 2/3 cup Brown Sugar and stir until dissolved. Remove from heat. While this is cooling, sift together 1/2 cup Flour, 1/2 tsp Sea Salt, and 1 tsp Baking Powder. Note the Oxford Comma. Add 1 Egg and a generous teaspoon of Vanilla to the butter/sugar mixture and combine well. Gradually whisk in the flour. This is the point where you might want to add things that you like in brownies. I added Cacao Nibs. Pour the batter into the pan and spread evenly. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until done. It's done when you say it is. They will pretty much not stop being sticky no matter how long they cool, so eat them as soon as it will not scald you to do so. Extra Confexecutioner credit for topping with unsweetened hand-whipped Cream. Serves 1-12.

Stirring up Trouble

2009-03-01T10:26:00.000-08:00

Not everything that the Confexecutioner cooks up ends up smothered in chocolate. Sometimes we run out of chocolate.

This Risotto features a bunch of stuff you should probably have in your kitchen at all times. And yes, we did not bother with chopping a bunch of shallots or onions and did not miss them a bit. We didn't bother with stock either. Did the Confexecutioner's Son eat it? Oh Yes He Did.

In a heavy saucepan, heat 2 Tbsps Butter, and about the same amount of Olive oil over medium heat. When the butter has melted, add 1/2 cup of Arborio rice and toss it in the oil until coated and slightly brown. Add 1/2 cup of Red wine and cook over medium/low heat (stirring regularly) until wine is absorbed. Take 2 cups of Warm water and add a splash (or more than a splash) of Balsamic vinegar and 1/2 tsp of Sea salt. Add this 1/2 cup at a time to the rice until absorbed. When the rice has cooked thoroughly (you may end up using less or more liquid to achieve this) reduce to low heat. Stir in 1 cup of fresh chopped or 1 bag cooked frozen (yes, that does seem like an oxymoron) Spinach. Add 1 cup diced Salami (or don't, but I did). Finally, stir in 1/2 cup (or more) of Parmesan which you have recently grated yourself. Remove from heat, add some fresh ground Black Pepper, and serve immediately. If you want to make this for more than 2 or 3 people, use your powers of multiplication to adjust the recipe and use a bigger saucepan.

Follow with chocolate.

Better Chocolate than Never

2009-02-14T23:09:00.000-08:00

I believe the best recipes are those which serve as tools of self-expression. So from my black, nutty, shriveled up heart I give you the Confexecutioner's Valentine's Day Massacres:

Take a dozen whole prunes (pitted, preferably by you) and place an almond where each pit used to be. Place one in each of a dozen mini-muffin cups, which you should have on hand from making the baconfection recipe from a few posts ago. In a double boiler (don't panic, it's just two pans stacked one over the other with water boiling in the bottom pan) melt about 6 oz of 70% dark chocolate. When the chocolate is smooth and glossy, remove from the heat and gently spoon into the muffin cups until the prune is completely covered. What you do with the leftover chocolate is really none of my business. They need to cool, so pop them in the fridge and try to forget about their dark, seductive allure for at least an hour.

If you eat them all by yourself in one sitting, be reassured that this too shall pass.

We Interrupt this Blog for Elitist Food Posturing

2009-02-10T08:22:00.000-08:00

The Confexecutioner does not fear food-borne pestilence. The Confexecutioner does not fear fat or cholesterol. The Confexecutioner does not count calories, though this might be a good idea considering the last recipe posted here. The Confexecutioner does not fear food.

Grocery stores, on the other hand, scare the compost out of me.

Ah, one is now expecting to read some rhapsody of a farm-raised childhood, chasing chickens in the dappled light and harvesting local organic everything from an impossibly pastoral backyard. Then we flash forward to the cold fluorescent lighting of a modern grocery store with horrors at every turn: the flavorless foreign tomatoes, white "bread", iceberg lettuce, endless configurations of industrial corn, perhaps with a side order of mercury. At some point comes the Revelation: a trip to Italy or Northern California, college politics, Michael Pollan. Then a happy ending back on a much hipper farm, funded in part by a coffee table book series about the hip farm.

Sadly, the only thing I grow with any consistency is hair. I grew up in the suburban Giants and Safeways eating the white bread despite exhortations to eat the brown-dyed white bread (because it must be healthier somehow). In my adult life I have never had a backyard. My kitchen is the size of a Food Network stove. I have never had limitless cash to spend on food, and have never had the patience to craft a Martha worthy feast complete with wildcrafted soy candles and hand woven raw fiber napkins.

I didn't really think about what what goes into the making of most "food" on offer in many grocery stores until I tried not to eat something. Once I became an ingredients reader, which often taxed my college science and pre-LASIK vision, I realized that most of the time I was either not eating what I thought I was eating, or eating a lot in addition to what I thought I was eating. In the end, I've stopped avoiding real food and started avoiding most grocery stores.

There are a million good reasons to eat organic (in spirit, if not USDA letter) sustainable local foods with minimal processing in moderate amounts, and as many websites and blogs devoted to the politics and fetishization of this pursuit. Read them, weep, then come back here and have some fun with the food. Good ingredients taste better and are easier to cook.

Now go make some Soapbox Pie:

Preheat oven to 400F.

Boil a tea kettle's worth of water, then set aside.

Butter a small casserole baking dish.

Steam a pound or so of chopped spinach, fresh or frozen. Drain really well.

While the spinach is cooking, grate some gruyere. Okay, grate a lot of gruyere. If you don't have gruyere use some other kind of cheese.

Put the spinach in the dish. If it is about an inch or so thick, you have the right sized dish.

You can shake some sea salt and black pepper on there if you want.

In a mixing bowl, beat four eggs. You can do this with a fork.

Heat about a half cup of milk up to but not boiling. I like to add a splash of cream after to cool it a bit and because I really like cream.

Add the milk to the eggs gradually and stir until mixed in.

Pour this over the spinach, and gently work the spinach into the mixture with a fork. If the mixture does not completely cover the spinach, add more eggs and milk.

Sprinkle the grated cheese over the top. I finished this off with a dash of nutmeg.

Put the casserole dish into a larger baking dish.

Pour the tea water into the larger dish around the smaller dish until it comes about halfway up the sides.

Put them in the oven, and bake for about 40 minutes or until the eggs are set. You can turn the heat up in the last few minutes if you want more brown on the top. If the top is browning too quickly, put some foil over the top until the last few minutes. I don't have to tell you to let it cool off when it is done or to be careful removing the pan that is now full of scalding water.

Enjoy in good health and even better moral superiority.

We now return to the debauched musings of someone who probably should not be allowed to have a knife.

The Butcher the Baker

2009-02-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

Among the surreal confections on display in the classic film Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory is an unassuming piece of chewing gum that turns out to offer the chewer an entire meal's worth of flavors, complete with Sisyphian side effect.

In this spirit I offer you The Confexecutioner's Baconfections. Breakfast to Dessert in the flash of a pan.

This can be made as a solid piece of brittle, or Confexecution style in mini-muffin cups.

***

Cook about 8 strips of quality thick cut bacon until crispy. Drain, cool, and crumble.

In a thick saucepan, toss bacon with about 1/3 cup pure maple syrup, or enough to coat. Bring mixture to boil, then reduce heat and cook until sticky.

While mixture is still warm, spoon into muffin cups or spread evenly on waxed paper.

Melt about 4 oz of 70% baking chocolate in a double boiler. If you want a softer texture to the chocolate, add a splash of heavy cream. If the chocolate "seizes", add more cream. I don't know why this works, but it does.

When chocolate is completely melted and has a glossy finish, pour carefully over the bacon "brittle" to cover it completely, if possible. Let cool, then refrigerate until set. If set to you means shoving freshly cooked bacon brittle with melted chocolate down your impatient gullet, then so be it.

***

The finished product has absolutely no shelf life, so eat or share within the time it takes to remember which of your friends can eat bacon without spontaneously combusting. For the others, the Hash-Brown version is in pre-production. Feel free to help me come up with a clever name.

Enjoy if you dare. Caveat Chocolatier.

Kinky and Perverted

2009-01-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

Bless me Wendell Berry for I have sinned. It has been nearly forty years since I consumed my first meal, and I have yet to prepare and cook a whole chicken.

I swear Officer, she was dead when I found her. Over by the docks (The Ferry Building Farmer's Market, specifically). She was lying face down in a box of ice, wrapped in a plastic bag, naked and drained of blood. Poor Bird. If a crime has been committed here, it has been a crime of passion. When I am done disposing of the body, you will find her stripped bones in a compost heap."

I might possibly contract chickenella, or end up cooking some of the bits that weren't supposed to make the cut, as it were. It won't be the first recipe I have butchered, and most certainly not the last, but it will be the first chicken.

I like to take pictures, see, of the bodies. After pulling their guts out and breaking their joints, I cut them, with almost surgical precision (almost). I ritually soak them in salt water and anoint them with olive oil and precious herbs. Then I make them burn. Or at least brown to a golden finish. It makes me want to eat them. With potatoes.

Stop me before I cook again.

Stop Reading This

2009-01-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

and make yourself something to eat.